Dear Self ,

Chocolate is a treat, not a basic food group. 

Lay off...

Suck it up and one day you won't have to suck it in

I know, I know... I'm late on blogging.
I didn't blog last week because.. well... I didn't feel like it!

I am proud to report, however, that I kept my promise to myself. I have been eating healthy and working out every other day!! I haven't let anything stop me, and I must say I'm pretty proud. It may not be a huge deal, but it's been tempting to cheat and skip workouts, but I didn't.
I have actually enjoyed my workouts quite a bit. There have been times when I wanted to die in the middle of my workout, but I pushed through and felt better for it in the end. I have tried to keep things different so that I don't get bored. Some days I will take a 30 min class in the gym (usually followed by 30 mins on the treadmill), some days I do the elliptical or walk/jog around the neighborhood, and I even did the hour long cycle/spin DVD at the gym and I LOVED it. I have also found myself wishing I had my gym bag with me on my "off" days. I don't want to burn myself out like I have in the past so I am going to continue my every other day workouts for now.
As far as my diet goes, I have been eating a lot more fresh fruits and veggies. Snacks will usually be a piece of fruit or some carrot sticks/cherry tomatoes with hummus... mmm. I haven't eliminated starches, but replaced the whites (bread,  rice, wraps, etc) with brown/wheats. I have been trying to control my portion sizes, but I'm not gonna lie... that's my hardest challenge.  Dinner. I want to eat a lot of whatever I have. A lot. But I'm trying to stick to the whole "drink a glass of water and wait" rule. I have been drinking a lot more water too, and no soda.
Since I've been doing this ( Jan 1st), I have noticed a huge change in my energy level. I'm not tired during the day and am able to stay up later at night. I haven't even needed my morning coffee!!
Well except this morning... I didn't get any sleep last night so it's a triple shot type of day!

Last week, I weighed in at 4.5 lbs lost... this week I lost 3.5. So since the first I have lost 8 lbs! That's not as rapid of a weight loss as I had with Weight Watchers, but I honestly feel like I'm healthier this way because I'm eating better and exercising more. I think if I continue this way, I will get to where I want to be one day. I'm still huge, but I'm hopeful!

Weigh in: Sun, Jan 8th: 225 lbs (- 4.5 lbs)
Weigh in: today, Sun, Jan 15th: 221.5 (-3.5 lbs; -8 total)

Oops, I did it again...

Friends, I failed. Big time.
Not only did I not follow through on my promises to blog, but I did not follow through on my promises to become healthier.... and now I am regretting it. Big Time.

I don't even know where to begin. I'm not quite sure what happened....
Ok no, that's a lie. I stuffed my face with crap food every opportunity that I got during the holidays until I gained 18 lbs... that's what happened. And yes, you read correctly. Since my last blog, I have GAINED 18 lbs... and 2 pants sizes. In 2 months! What is wrong with me?!
Obviously, I fell off the wagon. I fell off the wagon, the wagon ran over me (more than once), and I'm pretty sure I broke the wagon. I started eating unhealthy foods a little at a time... which turned into a lot at a time. I was tired and felt sick all the time. I could barely stay awake past 8pm. I can't button my pants. My thighs rub together when I walk. I can't walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like keeling over.... and if we're putting it all out there, I might as well tell ya that I can't find underwear to fit either! It's gross. I'm gross. I'm over it.

Luckily, I have good friends who care... and who aggravate the piss out of me until I got back on track. But I thank you. Thank you for the aggravation... for the wall posts telling me to blog... for the anonymous "BLOG!!!!" messages on my board at work (I know who you are!)... for the phone inquiries about the blog... and even for the "well I guess I'll just do something else...since I won't be busy READING YOUR BLOG!"
I would also thank you for the calling me fat in public thing, but that was pretty messed up. ;-)

So as of the 1st of the year, I decided to get back on track. A resolution! (cue the eye roll)
I'm not going to do Weight Watchers right now... I'm not going to count points... I'm not going to be perfect. I am going to get on track.. and then I'm going to mess up one day... but this time, I  plan to get back on track if that happens.
Right now, I have not set any goals. I don't have a goal weight or size. I just know I want to be healthier. I want to be happier. I want to make exercise a normal routine. I want to make eating healthy normal for me. I think that where I have always failed in the past is focusing so much on my weight or my diet.... Yes, I am going to change the way I eat. Eat healthier.. but I will not focus all of my attention on food or what I am eating. I will just make every effort to make healthier choices and to control my portion sizes. I would also like to start working out more. Again, I know there will be days when I can't or maybe I won't want to. But I don't want to allow myself to stop going just because I missed a day. Like the food, I am not going to focus so much on the exercising. I am not going to obsess over it. I'm just going to do it... like it's a normal thing to do. Because that's exactly what it should be.

With that being said. So far, things are going well. I've been eating more veggies... fruits for snack. If I want some crackers I have a small amount... I'm trying not to do more than the suggested portion size of most things. I have worked out, both at home and at work now. I debated working out every day, but didn't want to burn myself out. I also thought 3 days a week may not be enough, so I decided to do every other day. And if I miss a day, I will just make up for it the next day... simple as that.

Also, I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to Pinterest.... that is all.

Weigh-in: Sunday, Jan 1, 2012- 229.5 lbs (+18.5 lbs since my last weigh in)
Feeling: Disappointed, but hopeful. 

Cheese biscuits

So this week went a lot better than the last. I was good this week. I'm not going to lie, though, I didn't count points. I did in the beginning of the week and then it just kind of... fizzled off. But at least I was good! I still ate healthy and made better choices, I just didn't count points for  everything. Eating healthy is getting easier. I find myself wanting veggies and salad most of the time, which I like to think is a good thing. However, the week did not go without its temptations. We had all of the kids over the weekend. Saturday morning consisted of chocolate chip pancakes... chocolate... chips... in... pancakes. Saturday night we went to a Halloween themed wedding. This involved cake, cookies, sandwiches, soda, etc. And on Sunday we had lunch at Red Robin... *coughmilkshakescough*
I won't say that I didn't have a cookie and a sip of Alis' chocolate shake, because I did. But what I did have was minimal. A cookie. A sip.
Overall, I wasn't as good as I could gave been, but I did well. I lost 3.5 lbs.
Today was a different story. My mom just got back in town from California and we took her out for her birthday dinner. She wanted Red Lobster... the title if this post says it all. I ate the way I shouldn't have, and now I'm in a food coma. So excuse this boring post. I will leave you with a pic of the crew from the Halloween bash to make up for lack of bloggage.

{{Me: Kenya Feelit; Alis: Feelit A. Lil'; Britt: Garth from Wayne's World; Brady: Captain America; Chloe: Sweet Sorcerer}}

Weigh-in: Today, Oct 24, 2011- 211 lbs (-10.5 lbs total)

One step forward and two steps back

This weekend we went to Deluna Fest.
Have you ever been to a music festival?  Do you know what they have there to eat? Well, let me break it down for you: hot dogs, hamburgers, pizza, Philly cheesesteaks, gyros, burritos, polish sausages, french fries, onion rings and anything you can fry, they've got it... on a stick. They do not have salads, veggies of any kind (because the fried onions no longer count), fruit that isnt blended with a lb of sugar and alcohol or water that isn't warm and from a hose...
I tried to be good, I really did. I knew this weekend was coming and I had it all planned out. I would make healthy, filling breakfasts at home in the morning and for lunch and dinner we would leave the festival and go to one of the many seafood restaurants around so that I could get steamed seafood and veggies. Great plan, right? I know...I'm a friggin genius.
Now let me ask you, have you ever been to a seafood restaurant in the south? Did you know that everything is flash fried?!... yeah, me either.
I tried to go as healthy as possible. I even asked about steamed veggies and got the reply, "The only vegetables that we have are potatoes and corn." So I ordered salads... but even those weren't good since my only options were Ceasar, Ceasar with chicken or Ceasar with shrimp... and they were all drenched in dressing as thick as mayonnaise. Then on Saturday we forgot to eat until about 30 minutes before the band we wanted to see, so we got pizza because it was the closest thing... and for $7 you could get 2 slices! With a coke! Did I mention it was pepperoni?! Yeah....Ugh.
I was so disappointed in myself. I could feel the lbs creeping back with every bite. It also caused me to have a pretty bad stomach ache.
Sunday morning at about 5 a.m. I was dead asleep when I woke up with this weird tight feeling in my chest. I tried changing positions in bed, but the pain kept getting more intense to the point to where I could barely breathe. I thought I was having a heart attack. I woke up Britt (which is not an easy task, by the way) and we rushed to the emergency room. I was so scared, I was sobbing like crazy. I was afraid of what they would say. They took an x-ray of my chest, bloodwork, urine, an EKG and hooked me to a heart monitor for hours. It was freezing and we were so tired. After 5 hours of staring at the wall and shivering, they told me that my heart was in perfect health and I was fine. They let me go home, but not before collecting their $100 co-pay.
I was miserable, exhausted, pissed and starving. I didn't want salad or fruit... I was HUNGRY. I wanted food. A hot meal, and I wasn't up for cooking. What was I to do? Where could I get a hot meal, quick? ...McDonald's of course! It didn't even sound like a good idea at the time, but by god, we did it anyway. We binged... I believe our exact words were "well if I'm gonna be bad..." I won't go into detail, but it was bad.
I don't even think we finished crumbling the wrappers before the moaning and the "shouldn't have done that" started. There's only one word that can explain it... stupidity.
Just a few hours ago I thought I was dying and was envisioning the Dr telling me how much fatty build-up was around my heart and I'm comforting myself with french fries? Seriously, Vickie? I'm an idiot.

So, I got on the scale this morning and I'd lost half a lb. That's all...I'm surprised it wasn't a gain. I'm not happy with my weigh-in or myself. Not at all... but all I can do is try harder. I was really good today, and I enjoyed my healthy foods and salads. I will keep it up.... no matter how much I want chocolate.

Weigh-in: Today, Oct 17, 2011- 214.4 lbs (-7 lbs total)

P.S.- It took me 3 tries to spell genius right. True story. ;)

A moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips

Well today is the day... the first weigh-in.
I went into it a little worried that I wouldn't have lost much. I was good all week, but this morning I was feeling rather large. Despite the way I was feeling, I knew I had to weigh in and I wanted to do it before coffee or breakfast, just like I did last Monday. So I did...
I'm down 6 1/2 lbs this week! That brings me to 215lbs. Still huge, but better than nothin'! My hard work paid off.
Weight Watchers... I have had several people ask me "Does it really work?" and "Do you really like it?" Your answers are "It does" and "I do." If it didn't work and I didn't love it, I wouldn't be doing it again and I wouldn't recommend it so often! The reason I am back at the weight I am at is my own fault. It's not because "once you stop doing it you gain it all back." No, no... once you start eating fast food, every day, constantly and for no reason other than stress... that's when you gain it all back. And that's exactly what I did. Had I eaten like a normal person, rather than big foot, I would have maintained a healthy weight. Which is exactly what I plan to do now.
The first week was okay. The weekdays were a piece of cake. I made sure to pack my breakfast, lunch and snacks in the morning and bring them with me to work, that way I knew what I had and made sure it was all healthy "points friendly" foods. This helped me stick to it. I'm not going to lie... the coffee shop was screaming my name a couple of times, and I'm pretty sure the little chocolate devil on my shoulder told me I could afford a mocha latté creamice... but I resisted somehow. I focused on my work instead of food, and when I got hungry I ate something that I brought. I convinced myself that I had no money so that I wasn't tempted to buy something from the cafeteria. I found myself eating little bits throughout the day, not on purpose, but I hear that's what you should do anyway. I drank a lot of water, and when I wanted some flavor, I opted for a 5 cal Crystal Light rather than a soda and I felt much better for it. But boy did I pee a lot... if you plan on upping your water intake, be prepared to spend half of your day in the restroom... just sayin'.
Now, the weekend was a different story.  It wasn't as easy. Even though I had the house full of healthy foods and snacks, I also still have things for the kids, like cookies... chips... even the damn goldfish crackers and fruit snacks were taunting me! I wanted to cave so bad, and for no good reason! I still ate all day, but I managed to resist temptation and ate healthy. Though, I may have had a goldfish cracker or 5.
Overall, it was good. I feel better about myself, even if my pants aren't feeling better yet. I love the feeling of finding new,  healthy foods that taste good. It's actually quite fun. I also noticed that the further into the week I got, the more I ate and the less points I used because I was rediscovering the good stuff. I love that feeling.
Britt asked me last night if I miss junk food.. and honestly? Yes. I do. I miss the convenience and I miss the taste. But there are many, many more things about it that I definitely do not miss. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to think about the taste of their french fries everytime I drive past a McDonald's (mmm).
I am very proud of Britt also. He has cut out sodas (which is a big deal for him) and upped his water intake. He stuck with it all week, even on the weekend when he had to work outside at the car sale where they were grilling burgers and dogs right in front of him... he brought his breakfast, lunch and snacks and ate only that. Way to go, babe! I think doing this together,  as hesitant as I was in the beginning, is helping us both stay in track... Now wake up so I can make breakfast!
I'm starving over here!! ;)

Weigh-in: Today, Oct 10, 2011 - 215 lbs. (-6.5 lbs)

Large and getting back in charge

Well, first of all... welcome. If you're bored with your own life and you want to read about mine, then you've come to the right place. Second, I will apologize in advance as this first blog is promised to be a long one. But mostly I want to thank you all for reading because I'll take that as support unless you say otherwise.

If you know me then you know I have struggled with my weight all my life. Growing up I was always the fat kid... then the fat teenager... and now a fat adult. Lovely. I change diets like underwear and I always give up... always. Then in 2010 I got fed up. Fed up with eating unhealthy foods in large quantities (Up-size that combo? Yes please!). Fed up with having to buy bigger clothes. Tired of being tired. So I did something about it. I signed up for weight watchers and was totally dedicated. I lost a total of 60 lbs in about 8 months. I went from a size 22 to a size 12. I felt great. I was smaller than I had ever been and I was loving every minute of it. I was happier and healthier in so many ways. I was only 12 lbs away from my goal weight!

Then I started doing Roller Derby... Weight Watchers went to the way side, but I was burning major calories and exercising frequently... I had finally found exercise that was fun (yes, it does exist!). I managed to keep my weight off and maintained where I was for a good 6 months or so, but didn't lose anymore. I love roller derby. Skating with awesome women, having fun AND getting exercise... what else could I have asked for? Well, as they say, "all good things come to an end." Derby isn't an option for me anymore (but I'll save that for another blog). So there went my fun... and there went my exercise. Have I exercised since having to stop? Barely. Have I eaten healthy since stopping?  Well, I probably wouldn't be writing this if I had.

Needless to say, the weight slowly but surely crept back on. First it was slow... I noticed the pants getting tighter... and then the shirts... and now they just don't fit at all. I literally feel like I woke up one morning and was 20 lbs heavier than the day before. Every time I sit down I am waiting for my pants to rip... I've found myself having to wear dresses everyday, and not because they're cute. I've also noticed that the more my stomach sticks out, the shorter that dress gets... and I refuse to wear pantyhose, so something's gotta give! Now, I would like to say (but not justify), that a lot of my lack of attention to health stemmed from the fact that I have gone through a lot these last 2 years.... started a new/very stressful job, divorce, child support battle, becoming a single parent, moving (twice), starting a new relationship, buying a house on my own, terrible twos toddler, potty training, non-stop work and overtime..... it's a lot to go through. But ya know what? It's no excuse. There is no reason why I couldn't have ordered a damn salad. None.

I am now only 25 lbs away from where I started in 2010. It's more than just depressing, and I feel like I am right back where I started. I am ALWAYS tired. My mood swings are ridiculous. And let's not talk about the amount of stomach issues come along with eating so much junk. Everything in my life feels like it's off track right now and I am super stressed out. I feel like if I had more energy, I'd be able to get this stuff done!

With that being said (and the moment you've all been waiting for)... I AM TAKING CONTROL OF MY LIFE AGAIN!! Queue the applause.  

I am dead set and determined to get the weight off and keep it off. I feel like my life depends on it. I have been feeling so sick since the weight has been back. I started Weight Watchers again yesterday. I know, I know, another "diet". It's really not, though. It has been the only thing that has actually worked for me.. because it has been the only thing I could stick to. It allows you that wiggle room (or, ya know...chocolate) when you need it. And I don't plan on counting my points forever. I want to kick-start my "lifestyle change." Once I get to a healthy weight that I am happy with, I'd like to maintain it by continuing to eat healthy and exercise regularly. I am not only doing this for myself, but for my daughter too. I hate being too tired to play with her. I don't want to teach her that it's ok to eat fast food everyday. I want to teach her to eat healthy... and to cook! I love her more than anything in  the world and never want her to have to go through the weight struggles that I've gone through. She is at a very impressionable age, and I think it needs to start now and I need to stick with it. For both of us. Britt has also started WW with me, as he has gained back the weight he lost in 2010 as well. Darn those comfortable relationships... "happy fat" makes me angry.

So that leads me to this blog. I have decided to use this as not only an outlet, but also as a way to keep myself accountable. I want people to know where I am at in my progress... I want you to ask... I want to be held responsible for my actions and the foods that I put in my body. I hope that my friends and family will be as supportive for me now as you were last time, if not more. I really need to stick with it this time, because I'm afraid of where I will be if I don't. 

So there ya go... there is my long-winded cry for help. I hope that everyone will continue "following" my blog and my progress. I hope everyone will comment- good or bad, I'll appreciate it all, and I hope to update at least once a week. You know that whole full-time mom and full-time job thing always gets in the way of the fun stuff...but if you promise to read, I'll promise to write.


Weigh-in: Yesterday, Oct 3, 2011 - 221.5 lbs. ugh.